My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. – John 15:12
Photo by Kristina Graham
Growing up, I’ve had a fire in my soul for changing the world. The older I’ve gotten, experience and God’s word has taught me a very important thing: I will never be able change the world, Jesus will do that — but I can change the world for one. So I’ll keep stopping and loving one person as a time, because this is my call at a Christian.
In October I’ll serve as the hands and feet of Jesus as I travel to the mountains of southeast Haiti with a group of people from my church (242 Community Church) and the organization, Raincatchers. With them, I’ll build simple, sustainable rainwater collection systems called Raincatchers.
A Raincatcher is a gutter made from plastic pipe, some tin to divert the water, and a sediment filter. It will catch about a liter of water a minute. This will ultimately save the Haitians from having to walk 5-10 miles a day to get water.
But most importantly, not only will this help the people physically but more importantly, spiritually. While we are there installing these rain catchers we will tell the people why we are doing it and share the gospel of Jesus Christ with them.
This is a wonderful opportunity; but, of course it is not easy and it is not free. With plane tickets, food and transportation, the cost becomes more than I can afford. That is why I created my gofundme account and ask that you consider a donation to help support me in helping these thirsty people.
I also ask you to commit the team and me to prayer while we are on this mission trip.
I am so excited for this mission trip and know God will open my heart to so much while I’m there. I literally cannot wait to spend my week in service to these Haitians.
People ask me all the time if I regret my decision to move to Ann Arbor considering my circumstances changed that originally brought me here. My jerk reaction has frequently been no. I didn’t want to regret moving here, so I always answered no, not knowing whether or not it was true.
But the more people have questioned my decision, the more I’ve sincerely thought about it: Do I regret moving to Ann Arbor, Michigan for a relationship that didn’t work out?
Peeling back my sometimes overly positive and optimistic layers, to my surprise the answer is still no. And it’s for three very big reasons.
When I really started to reflect on it I thought: how could I ever regret moving for something that I once wanted so bad? Moving here and starting a life with my long-term boyfriend was something my 18-year-old self dreamt about for five long years. I deserved that year living with him. Our relationship did. And now having done it, I will never, ever look back and wonder “what if?”. I know in my heart we gave it our all and that year was the final chapter to a very tumultuous story line.
The second thing that makes me not regret my decision an ounce is the the happiness I have felt from the friendships I have made. I started to think about all the beautiful and loving people I wouldn’t have met had I not moved here. I mean I found people who barely knew me and were willing to lend me both their hands to help and ears to listen (and usually always brought a bottle of wine). I have found a handful a people of I consider soul sisters and I know that is rare. From my co-workers to the girlfriends that have stumbled (drunken pun intended, Nagini) their way into my life the past year — they have all been a huge blessing from God. Thinking of never having met them is reason enough for me NOT to regret ending up in Ann Arbor.
And finally, I have come to peace with my decision to move here because I know I am right where God wants me. If there’s anything I’ve learned in my 23 years, it’s that like so many other time periods in my life (college, my summer in Phoenix, high school, etc.), I am going to look back and miss this one too. And that thought makes me love this place and these moments so much.
I have an immense amount of faith in God’s plan for my life and I have no time for regret or looking backwards.. after all, I’m not going that way.
Ann Arbor, Michigan, I love you so freaking much (even if I do complain about you and your weather 90% of the time).
January 2015 has taught me more about myself than I thought was possible in a month’s time. No, seriously.
At the end 2014, I felt happy, but I was still decluttering my shelves from my breakup. There were so many logistics that had to be sorted and my bursts of happiness often got dampened by the responsibility of putting “that” to rest. And then once I was finally able to close the chapter, I went home to my family for the Christmas season. So my test of independence didn’t feel real until the morning of January 2 when I packed up my Jeep for Michigan. I hugged my dad goodbye and for some reason as I pulled out of the driveway, it felt like this was the first time I was actually moving away from home.
The chaos of the last six months that was my life was finally over and my canvas was blank. What would I draw? How would I do it? Is this going to be ok? Am I making the right decision? Fear started to cloud my mind, but as I headed north, I mustered every ounce of self-determination I had left and decided there was no better time or place than now.
Although leaving West Virginia that day was hard, God has shown me Ann Arbor is exactly where I am meant to be right now. I have literally had the time of my life this past month and I say that with whole-hearted sincerity. There haven’t been any monumental circumstances that have made it so magnificent (besides carrying a 52″ TV up a flight of stairs all by myself hahaha), I’ve just taken my life and realized the difference between an ordeal and an adventure is my attitude. Right now, my life is and should be an adventure.
I feel more me than I ever have before. I am learning more about myself (what I want, where I’m meant to be, what my passions are) and my relationship with God is stronger than ever.
If this month is any sign of the year to come, watch out world.. 2015 is my year.
PS My favorite song right now is Uptown funk. The pictures from above are me gettin’ down to it. 😉
Naturally, the end of a year is accompanied by some self-reflection. And maybe I’m starting mine a little early, but that’s mostly because I have spent a large part of my year doing that already.
It has been quite the year. I haven’t even had the energy to write on here since August, which in itself, is so unlike me. You see, going into 2014, I knew I wanted to make some changes in my life. And being just a tad bit cliche, I decided I wanted to focus on getting healthy. So I prayed about it a little and decided to dedicate myself to my physical health.
Well little did I know, God’s definition of healthy was much broader than my own. Coming to the end of 2014, I have literally flip-flopped my entire life. Everything has changed since this point last year.
I was really struggling going into the new year and narrow-mindedly, I thought it was only with my weight. But, there was a much deeper issue.
I had planted myself in a pot of comfort. My roots dug deep into that comfort zone and anytime I thought about replanting myself, self-doubt killed me. I really, really struggled. I’m talking anxiety, depression, lots of tears, and many phone calls home to mom. In August, I was so close to giving up and moving home to West Virginia. I honestly thought it was the answer to find any sort of peace of mind again. I prayed about it and became so confused and frustrated in trying to decide what direction to take my life. I just kept praying and waiting for something to change.
But then one day it hit me.. How could I ever pray for God to make changes in my life if I wasn’t willing to move my own feet? And just like that, I knew whole-heartedly that was God’s answer to my prayers. I took every ounce of courage I had and uprooted myself from my little pot of comfort and replanted in to the a huge field of uncertainty and possibility.
I am not going to lie to you, replanting myself and making the decision I did was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was a long and scary process, but with my amazing support group of friends and family, I made it.
And so here I am at the end of 2014. Is everything in my life perfect? No. As a daughter of Christ, I’ll always have growing and changing to do. But for right now, I am one relieved and happy girl.
Is today really my last day as 22-years-old? How? I feel like I just turned 21 and now I have to face 23?! What is this madness?
Each year, I always like to spend my birthdays reflecting on the past year of my life. Sure, this is what most people use the new year for, but I’ve always felt birthdays are a much more personal way to recap where you’ve been and focus on where you’re going. And so, what better way to recap my year than to share 22 awesome things that happened to me this year.
1. Luke Bryan. Enough said.
2. I won Outstanding Public Relations Senior.
3. I graduated from college… say what?
4. I moved to Ann Arbor, MI to move-in with my boyfriend of five (almost six) years.
5. I celebrated the fourth of July by riding my first horse!
6. Became a wish granter and met my first wish kid Lauren. Meeting Lauren was by far the best thing that happened to me this year.
7. I supported 900 cyclists as they pedaled 300 miles across the state of Michigan all for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
8. Stood on the finish line of the Michigan International Speedway.
9. I donated my hair!
10 .I got my first full-time post grad job at the University of Michigan Health System!
11. I visited Sand Bear Dunes and met Lake Michigan.
12. I started dancing.
13. Helped put on my first event for work.
14. I learned how to cook!
15. Got to wear an Olympic Medal. No big deal.
16. Bought a car with Jaron!
17. Got my first live Christmas tree
18. Hung out at the Winter Classic.
19. Watched Michigan get blasted by record snow fall. (it’s awesome now that it’s over)
Frozen has become my all time favorite Disney movie this winter. Sure, I love the Elsa, Ana, and Olaf… but what really has me hooked is how much I was able to connect with the storyline.
Okay so no, I am not Elsa and even though it would be cool… I can’t build magical ice castles with the point of my finger (sorry for the let down). But, like Elsa, I do have a flaw I’ve tried to hide. It’s no secret that I am a super high strung person. If you’ve been around me for more than five minutes, you probably picked up on that much. But what a lot of people don’t know is that for over two years, I’ve been taking anxiety medication to try and control it. I had to take it and I don’t regret it. God knows I definitely needed it at the time I started taking it.
But, recently I got to the point recently where I didn’t want to take them anymore. I started going off my medication in December and I can’t adequately share what an insanely difficult battle this has been against my own mental army. It’s been so much harder than I was actually prepared for. I think I’ve felt every emotion possible the last three months, but mostly recharged. Being on medication was okay for me for a while, but the last year, I felt like I was only giving 75%. It began to mask my ambitions with contentment. And thus, I decided to go off my medication.
For a while, I whole-heartedly suffered with trying to find my “normal” again. I couldn’t remember what that looked like for me. I know it sounds odd, but after a couple of years of medication, I kinda forgot how I felt before then. I spent so much time trying to separate what’s withdrawal side effects and what’s my natural personality. After a couple of months, this has gotten a little easier but it’s still a struggle. Yet, this entire process, no matter how difficult it has been, is something I wouldn’t turn back on for a couple of reasons..
One is that if I never went on medicine, I’m not sure I would recognize my anxiety the way I do now. Before, I was so used to it. I couldn’t tell you when I was overreacting to small, unjust circumstances. But now, I can notice the waves of anxiety forming in the distance. I see them coming and can plant my feet firm in the sand and control whether or not I’m capsized.
And last but not least, I am so much more accepting of my anxiety now. I understand that it is who I am as a person and I am even thankful it. I realize that I don’t need to hide it or even try and change. And I personally want to thank Elsa for teaching me that I can “Let It Go”.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing.. I’m letting it go.
The fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I’m free. Let the storm rage on. Here I stand and here I’ll stay. The perfect girl is gone.
This week I challenge you to think about what’s holding you back and let it go… just like Elsa.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:2-8
Sometimes we lose sight of our dreams, ya know? We forget God is in control, get a bad attitude, or just plain get down on ourselves.
As I have continued to chase my dreams and try and understand God’s plan, I’ve easily forgotten how much my past and losing Myles to cancer has continued to propel me forward. I always get these sweet messages from people who tell me I have inspired them to chase their own dreams. Those are my favorite messages to get.
Recently, I got this one:
“I wanted to tell you that the things you’ve written about Myles are honestly heart warming and mean a lot to me.. He’s my cousin and I always spent every other weekend at my grandma’s with him. He always talked about you! Every time after church he’d say something sweet about you too.”
My heart stopped a little. It was like a message sent straight from Heaven. It was something I never knew about Myles and it just gave me these positive vibes and memories to help me keep pushing forward for him. It was almost like a reminder that he’s still sitting there with God watching and cheering me on.
I know her message was little, but it was what I needed to see that God is still in control. And even more so, it brought me back to my past, to where it all started, and reminded me of my original life motto..”Live life for the ones who don’t get the chance.”
Don’t ever forget..our backup plan is God’s original plan.
My weight has been something I’ve never had to monitor — well, until now.
I breezed through high school barely coming in at 100 pounds. My first year of college, the freshman 15 seemed to be a myth. And the following three years to come, I ate what I wanted and watched my waist line shrink.
Somehow, someone forgot to warn me about the post-grad 15. They forgot to mention that my metabolism would probably slow down. They forgot share a beware of all the leftovers in the office kitchen. No one even mentioned all the lunch meetings, dinner meetings, and meetings over coffee. Good lord, let’s not forget all the irresistible candy throughout the workplace. Or better yet, the staff meetings and holiday parties full of food.
I should go ahead and note that I’m no where close to overweight.. and that’s the problem. I have put a little bit of weight and my body has started the natural process of becoming a woman. So why do I feel like I could stand to lose 20 lbs?
I guess I am writing this for all you women out there with the New Year’s Resolution to lose weight, including myself.
Halfway through this year, when most of us have long given up on our resolution to become skinny, we will have a renewed hatred towards all the thin girls in the media. We will spout things across social platforms like Jennifer Lawrence quotes that read: “In Hollywood I’m considered obese. I’m considered fat. I’m never going to starve myself for a part.” We will include hashtags like #rolemodel and #happywithme trying to convince ourselves we ARE happy with our body types.
But we are the same women conforming and rushing out to the gym the first of the year, overanalyzing what we wear to workout, and hating more than our bodies while we are exercising — hating ourselves.
So here we go ladies… here’s my call to action.
How can we be proactive about loving ourselves and our body types if we are the first ones to rush to gym and resolve to lose the weight the media says we need to lose? How can we become comfortable with who we are if we are trying all those fad detox diets as a quick fix? What about all those fit instagram accounts you follow? How can you love yourself if you’re staring at super-fit bodies that work out more than most of us really have time? We are just feeding into the media frenzy of brainwashing us into believing what we are suppose to be instead of accepting who we are. Because let’s be honest, for 95% of us, a year from now.. will we not be in the same boat? Proclaiming the same things? “2015 is my fit year!”
We have to commit 100%. Not to the gym, not to losing weight, and not to getting that impossible Victoria Secret body, but instead to becoming comfortable in our own skin, becoming healthy/fit, and becoming content.
We can’t go buying up all those fad diets and gym memberships, and then throw rocks at the media when they post things like this:
Yes. They called that girl plus-sized, making us all feel extra insecure about ourselves.
I will note that I am in no way making an excuse. If you need to lose weight to be healthy, you really should try to take that step for yourself. BUT do it for YOU, not because you feel obligated and the media “tells” you should be doing it. Trust me, if it’s not genuinely for you, it won’t last.
Besides, even when I was extra skinny, I never felt skinny enough. My body still didn’t match up to that of a Victoria Secret Model and to me, that felt like failure.
It’s time for us to stand up for what is realistic and for most women that’s being healthy.. not perfect.
This year, don’t let anyone tell you what you should look like. Don’t look at the scale.. Who cares about that number? Get to where you feel healthiest, get fit, and be happy with you.
I have gathered some videos, quotes, and photos to remind right NOW just how beautiful you are as you are. Read, watch, and realize right now what’s important.
I see them every single day and not just one, but many, several, a lot. They stand in line at coffee shops, they run errands, they work… They’re breathing, but they’re not really alive.
I don’t mean physically dead, but characteristically. There are dead people everywhere.
Look around you, I bet you can see them too. The people who are hurting, lost, confused and miserable. The stranger who never seems to smile and the neighbor who never says hello. They’re there.
Are you one of them?
It’s so easy for our spirits to die and souls to rot long before our bodies take their last breath. It’s something we have to fight to avoid.
My challenge to myself and to each of you is to stay alive. Block out the negative committee that meets in your head and fill your soul with God, family, good friends, and endless dreams.
No one can do that for you but yourself. It’s your place in the world; it’s your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live.
Fall. I am so happy to see September finally here. This month brings football, changing leaves, cooler temperatures, and lots of pumpkin spice coffee! Yum! More importantly, September means the end of summer. This summer wasn’t quite what I expected. I spent most of it unemployed and confused. Even though this summer was rather dreadful, I can say I don’t have ill-feelings toward it.
Through all the job applications, tears, self-pity, stress, doubt, and anger.. I was actually learning about myself. I haven’t been that emotionally and spiritually challenged in so long. I won’t bore you with all my personal lessons, but know that God has a reason for every situation we have to face.
This summer was intense, but worth it. I feel like I am right where God wants me to be. It is so funny because we try and take matters into our own hands. I thought for sure that I’d end up working at Make-A-Wish here in Michigan. I wasn’t really even open to considering anywhere else. I think God laughed at me for this one. While I did enjoy my time spent at the Michigan chapter (I met so many awesome people), I quickly learned this wasn’t what God wanted for me here in Michigan.
There are two things I prayed for when I got to Michigan: a church and a job. I asked God to put me where he wanted, not where I wanted to be. Even if that meant me having to move and Jaron and I do long distance. I applied for jobs all over the country this summer. For some reason, none of them worked out…even the one position I was a top candidate for in Pittsburgh. They took their offer off of the table because they blatantly told me they didn’t think it was where I belonged. Although it hurt my feelings at the time, now, looking back, that was God’s way of saying, “No Shae, not this one….” I was so frustrated and shaken to my core when this organization removed their offer..
About a month later, I finally understood. God provided me with an answer to my first prayer towards the middle of July. I finally found a home church in Ann Arbor. I fell in love with it. The people were amazing, the service was sincere, and it was smaller… absolutely everything I wanted. The same week I found this church and attended my first service, I got a call for a job interview at the University of Michigan for a job I really wanted. Within the month, I received a job offer for a mid-level position at UM which I now hold. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Things aren’t perfect, but I truly believe I was put in Ann Arbor to walk a whole new path. I’m not sure what my new purpose is and I am struggling transitioning from college into the work force, but I have faith I’m headed in the right direction. I’m so happy and blessed to finally feel at home here in Ann Arbor. I’m ecstatic to be spending my first fall in Michigan (and at lots of UM games and tailgates)! Here’s to an awesome fall!
Toushae 