Toushae

Month: September, 2012

One Year Ago…

Today as I spent some time with my baby brother, my mind flashed back to this time last year. I was squeezing in his hand, watching him shake uncontrollably in the ER bed and his eyes roll back. I began screaming for the nurse to do something as I waited for my parents to drive up from Fairmont. I felt so alone.. everything was out of my hands. I couldn’t do anything to make him stop, to make him feel better.

A year ago tonight, at 2 AM, I would be receiving one of the worst phone calls of my life. I had no idea how much that phone call would alter my family’s life in the coming year. I remember being sound asleep, waking up and JUST HAPPENING to roll over to see my mom calling my cell. Before I answered the phone, I knew something was wrong. To my dismay, I answered to hear my mom screaming on the other end I had to go and try and find my brother. Between her sobs I could pick out that he had passed out and didn’t know where he was and he was really hurt. She yelled I had to take someone with me, because he was going to be bad.. I remember running down high street in my pajamas with Marcus screaming my brother’s name. For those 10 minutes we searched, my mind was in the worst places. I can’t lose him I thought over and over. God please no. I found my brother lying in wet mulch, going in to shock. I’ll never forget the fear in his eyes, the teeth on the pavement and crying as I saw his jaw dangling.

I didn’t know it then, but he had passed out and fell face first onto pavement due to carbon monoxide poisoning (alcohol unrelated). He gashed his chin, knocked out several teeth and severely broke his jaw. Driving him alone to the ER that night was unbearable. He wanted to doze back off. I watched him muster up energy to spit blood, I kept arguing with him, just to keep him with me…

I wish I could say that the experience has long come and gone but it hasn’t.  The results: steel plate in his chin, a wired jaw for 6 weeks with exposed nerves in his teeth and years worth of pulling of teeth, caps and implants.

I hugged him a little tighter than normal today and thanked God he didn’t take him from us a year ago. I know this situation could have been far more grim and I know he could have went through a lot worse in comparison.. but seeing all he has endured this past year, has shaken me both mentally and emotionally.

I wouldn’t go back to a year ago unless God would let me trade places with bub. It was and still is a nightmare.

I know God has a reason for why this happened and I have tried to mold that into my understanding this past year. And today, instead of being mad at the Hookah Bar owners or anyone else that this happened, I am just plain thankful… Thankful God woke him up after he passed out, thankful God made sure he didn’t break his neck and thankful he helped me and Marcus find him that late night.

This year has been hell, but it is now fortunately a year behind us….

I love you, Andrew. Forever my best friend.. Keep your head up little guy.

It isn’t about where I want to go; it’s about where I am meant to be.

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In less than 12 hours I’ll be taking the GRE…an exam that can be taken again if need be.

In less than 12 hours, many people across the country will be sitting in a doctor’s office, awaiting test results that are unfortunately much more eminent than the ones I will be receiving tomorrow… Tomorrow, across the United States, right around 3,400 people will be diagnosed with cancer. Tomorrow, someone’s life will be rocked by test results.

My life tomorrow, no matter my test results (of the GRE), will go on. I can fail this exam, be told I’m unintelligent and will still walk away with my health. 3,400 people tomorrow will not be able to say the same. And so as I sit here tonight, I can’t help but feel blessed. No matter the outcome, it is not the end of the world. There is so much worse in life that could inhibit my future. This exam means nothing in relation to the large picture of life.

Instead of praying for myself or even having others pray for me, I ask that you pray God guides and heals these 3,400 individuals tomorrow as they begin their fight against cancer. They need that prayer much greater than I.

Besides, ultimately this exam plays a role in my future and that has to be between me and God. After reflecting this evening, I know that God has a plan for me. Sure, I have my dream colleges but ultimately.. It isn’t about where I want to go, it’s about where I am meant to be.. and tomorrow is just apart of that journey.

Sweet Dreams.